Enterprise VoIP & Telecom Solutions — delivered on a geological timescale.
"Your call is very important to us. Please hold. Forever."
*Free trial requires 47-page NDA, blood oath, and a notarised promise not to expect timely support.
*Time To First Response
Designed with the future in mind — specifically the Neoproterozoic future.
Our ticketing system was built during the Cretaceous period and runs on the same timeline. Expect responses by the next mass extinction event — whichever comes first.
Our state-of-the-art security uses a single shared password across all accounts. It's "password1" — we put the "1" so hackers know we tried.
Every support ticket is printed, faxed to our offshore team, re-scanned, OCR'd by a 1994 Pentium, and then manually re-typed into our ticketing system. It adds character.
99.9% uptime measured over tectonic timescales. Sure, we had a 6-month outage last Tuesday, but averaged over the Holocene epoch that rounds down nicely.
Multiple layers of security — all of which are the same layer. It's MD5 all the way down. Our CTO says "it's basically the same as SHA-256 but shorter, which means faster."
We notify you about outages within 2–3 ice ages. Some customers prefer this; they say it gives them time to "mentally prepare."
Pick the plan that best matches your geological patience.
All plans auto-renew. Cancellation requires a 14-ice-age notice period. Prices subject to change during any future mass extinction event.
Real quotes from real people who are still waiting on their support tickets.
"I submitted a support ticket in 2019. It's now 2026. I've had two kids, changed careers, and developed a beard. Still waiting. But honestly? I've made peace with it."
"Their password policy is incredible. One uppercase letter, one number, and it must be "Shitsapiens1". For every account. Our CISO cried. We renewed anyway."
"The sales rep told me their 99.9% uptime SLA is "averaged over cosmological time." I didn't fully understand it, but he said it with such confidence I signed a 5-year contract."
"We switched from a competitor and our call quality went from crystal clear to 'deep sea sonar recording of a dying whale.' Shitsapiens said that's a feature."
We take security extremely seriously. We have a Post-it® note on the server room door that says "PRIVATE."
All users share one account. We call it "radical inclusion."
We rotate our API keys every decade or whenever the intern accidentally pushes them to GitHub. Whichever comes first.
We ran Nmap once in 2014. Found 47 open ports. Closed the browser tab. Declared victory.
🏅 Compliance Badges We Display But Have Not Earned:
SOC 2 (in progress, est. 2041) · HIPAA Adjacent™ · GDPR-ish · ISO 27001 Aspirant · PCI-DSS Curious
Answers generated by our Support AI (a Magic 8-Ball we found in a drawer).
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